Here in the shadows there are no doors, just silent hallways. The point where the light touches the darkness and joins to create the endless abyss known as the human soul. Hallways that seem to linger on forever. Many people have others who would join them in their perpetual revolutionary walk, however though I have my support it seems that the lack there of another to walk with seems to linger upon my fragile mind more and more. Why? Why do I need someone else to walk with me? It truly makes no sense what-so-ever. I'm fine with who I am alone. I need no other to lean on or to take the place of my empty arm and hands. I need no one to cry my tears to or to explain my day to. I am who I am. Independent, the very ruling edge of a Libra and what makes me unique. For whom could actually come to terms with the tormoil within this shell? People say they would listen to me. But my question to them. Could you? Could you really? Could you sit and listen to my ponderins on life and why we are here? Could you honestly sit and listen to me tell of how my mind works? Could you honestly make it a point to try and understand who I really am on the inside? The outer shell is always a cover for who we truly are on the inside. Some people are dead on the outside and very alive deep within. Others are the opposite. But what if you were talking to someone who was neither? A person who does not live within such simplistic boundaries. Someone who cannot be explained. Not because he does not want to be, but because there is no way to explain who they were.
We all live for something or someone. I can't say I live for anything, except to live for what may happen within the next day.
E.H.M
One thing I love the most about musicals. They always have an underlined meaning. Be it simple and easily understood or make you think the hardest just to make it clear. I just love them all. Take Moulin Rouge for example. The underlined theme was that love is the ultimate emotion and power in the world. Sometimes it makes us sad and other times it lifts us up where we belong. Everything in life has a meaning and a purpose. That credit card debt... yep it has a purpose as well. May not be the easiest lesson to learn but we all sure learn that one fast and clear! Am I right or what?!
Anyways...that's really all that's on my mind right now. Maybe I'll write more later. Things are going great right now for me and I've never been happier really. I've impressed myself for once. I'll be moving on the 19th and starting my HIV meds on the 18th. I'm looking forward to both but at the same time, both have their ups and downs to them. Heh, whatever though. Come what may, I'm here to stay.
Eli
Mmm I'm very mellowed out and extra relaxed tonight. Had a great night in Spa class. Learned more about Lymph Drainage Therapy and Ear Candeling. Let me say that those two together are great! My sinuses are clear and my ears are much better off. The lymph therapy was great too. Very soothing and relaxing. Can't wait to try it on some of my current and future clients. Heh, I love new ways and techniques of therapy. Hell, I just like to learn. It's gonna suck when I graduate. I've gotten so attached to going to college. Well, at least I still have just over a year there.
Oh and Brit gal, if you're gonna come to class a lil toasty and still drinking... SHARE FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE PLEASE!!! LOL!
Eli
Well, finally got that paper on HIV/AIDS completed and I must say it's a stunner. I love to write... well when I get past that first paragraph that is. Heh, I hate trying to come up with something to catch myself with. If I don't feel caught up in it I just scrap it and keep going. Thankfully it didn't take too long to get a very good interest catcher going. 4 pages later and an intriguing cover page means I'm on my way to another A... I hope! I'm really looking forward to this paper more than any others I've written in the past.
One thing in particular is that we have the option of standing in front of the class and explaining our paper etc. I plan to just let it all out and share my own story with my class. They have no clue and I'm sure I'll make some eyes lift up and maybe even make some aware that there are risks out there and some are more grave than others. My number one topic revolves around Prevention though. Through it anything can be possible. I just hope that everyone will hear me out and not be quick to judge. *Fingers Crossed*
Regardless of what happens when I share my paper, I'm doing this for me because I believe it will actually help me cope more.
After reading and enveloping myself in loads of HIV/AIDS related material and articles on-line I could have practically cried from what I was reading. I know that I still have many good bright years ahead of me but I can't help but to wonder and hope that it's true. I'm not afraid of death at all. I've been ready to die for years. Long story there....
My biggest fear. Being put into a Hospital.....I would rather embrace my own demise than go to a hospital. Just walking into one to visit someone is enough to make my stomach churn. What's worse is when you walk past someone's room and it's a person that their family has pretty much forgotten about them. It's beyond heart breaking for me. I can just feel their painful emotions corroding away at what soul they have left. It's a feeling of absolute darkness and helplessness. A combo I dislike and have a hard time handling.
I've considered writing a last will and testament, but by doing that am I not empowering my own HIV? Telling it that I have given up a part of me to it? I think not! That is something I'm not willing to do nor will I ever succumb to. I have a long and hopefully healthy life ahead of me with many experiences and surprises along the way. Honestly I can't wait! I don't necessarily like change but I will embrace it if it's the right kind of change.
Until next time,
E.
So here I sit in the dark listening to my Projectplaylist playlist. My how ironic...anyways....LoL. This particular blog from here on out will be just me talking and letting go of feelings. Maybe a little more depending on the mood I'm in at the present time I write. I tend to write alot, however, this first one will be short sweet and simple. I'm tired you see. Heh, it is midnight now anyways. So with that I say hello and goodbye all in one. To anyone who reads this and to myself I say this. There is always hope.
E.
on Standing up for what I believe